Vampire Romance Books Forum » Fun & Games » JOKES II

JOKES II

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ELITE ELDER
Registered: Jun 2008
Posts: 2156
Location: Lost in a faerie forest
Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
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Exasperated dragon on the field of battle:
"Mother said there would be knights like this."







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ELDER
Registered: Oct 2009
Posts: 1889
Lmao that was a good one!
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Currently Reading: Hunger Games
Just Finished: Lover Reborn
Up Next: Who the Hell knows.....
"I have never met a vampire personally, but I don't know what might happen tomorrow." Bela Legosi (I love this!!)


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ELDER
Registered: Feb 2011
Posts: 353
Location: Lost in the paranormal world!!!
Lmfao, that was funny!
ELITE ELDER Queen's Lead Reviewer
Registered: Dec 2010
Posts: 2301
Location: In the dungeon-handing out discipline!
I love that one :twisted:
_______________
When I want you to beg, IŽll tell youŽ -Vishous

Twitter @drktwistedbliss
goodreads.com/darktwistedbliss
Facebook /darktwistedbliss

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ELITE ELDER
Registered: Jun 2008
Posts: 2156
Location: Lost in a faerie forest
Three Vampires walk into a bar and sit down.

The bartender comes over and ask them what they want to drink
1st Vampire: Give me a shot of blood
2nd Vampire: I want a double shot
3rd Vampire: All I want is a cup of hot water

So the bartender goes and gets the drinks and comes back. He hands them the drinks, but looks kind of confused.

The bartender asked the 3rd vampire why didn't you order any blood the vampire pulls out a tampon and replies "I'm making tea".
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Exasperated dragon on the field of battle:
"Mother said there would be knights like this."







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ELITE ELDER WIELDER OF WICKEDNESS
Registered: May 2008
Posts: 2611
Location: making some sammiches
The Buttocks
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the
Man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the
Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body
Because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate
Some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body
That the doctor felt was suitable would have to come
From her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they
would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they
requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After
All, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was
completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his
Friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful
Beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was
overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear,
I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," she replied,
"I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother
kiss you on the cheek."
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Vishous, show me how you want it

Now fuck off and let me bask in the glory of being me.


www.shelfari.com/ilovevampires
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Queen VKD, Mistress of All Who Dare Enter
Registered: Oct 2007
Posts: 2967
Location: Analyzing the do's and don'ts of literary editorial computation!
Lightheaded wrote
Three Vampires walk into a bar and sit down.

The bartender comes over and ask them what they want to drink
1st Vampire: Give me a shot of blood
2nd Vampire: I want a double shot
3rd Vampire: All I want is a cup of hot water

So the bartender goes and gets the drinks and comes back. He hands them the drinks, but looks kind of confused.

The bartender asked the 3rd vampire why didn't you order any blood the vampire pulls out a tampon and replies "I'm making tea".

Yep, it's official. You're sick. :twisted: lol
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Favorite Quote at the Moment:Veil of Seduction
Steffan: I never believed in anything like this before.
Eilian: So you're saying you regularly dry hump the air in the corner of your house and bring yourself to an orgasm in your pants?
Steffan: Good point.
Eilian: Never, ever do that in front of me again.

My Shelfari: http://www.shelfari.com/vkd
My Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/rhonda.valverde

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ELDER
Registered: Feb 2011
Posts: 353
Location: Lost in the paranormal world!!!
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
ELDER
Registered: Feb 2011
Posts: 353
Location: Lost in the paranormal world!!!
Joke 1)
A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother goes to visit. When she knocks on the door, she is shocked to see her daughter open it naked. "What are you doing?" she asks. "Mom, it's my LOVE dress!! Don't you like it?" I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over" replies the mom.

When she goes back, she is shocked when once again her daughter is naked. "Now what are you doing?" "Mom, it's my LOVE dress. It keeps the marriage spicy!"

Later that night the mom decides to try it for herself. When her husband comes home, he gives the same reaction: "Honey, what are you doing?" she give him the same answer her daughter gave her, "It's my LOVE dress! What do you think of it?" Her husband thinks long and hard and says, "I think you should have ironed it!"

Joke 2)
A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich." The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf." The trucker says, "I'm not horny, I'm homesick."
ELITE ELDER
Registered: Jun 2008
Posts: 2156
Location: Lost in a faerie forest
good ones!!
_______________
Exasperated dragon on the field of battle:
"Mother said there would be knights like this."







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ELDER
Registered: Feb 2011
Posts: 353
Location: Lost in the paranormal world!!!
Thanks!
ELITE ELDER WIELDER OF WICKEDNESS
Registered: May 2008
Posts: 2611
Location: making some sammiches
Two vampire bats are hanging upside down in a cave. One of the bats feels rather hungry. "Let's go and find some blood", he suggests.
"I don't think you can get any blood this time of the day", says the other bat. "Well, I want some blood and I want it now!", says the first bat and prepares to take off. "Are you coming or what?"
"Don't be stupid, you'll just waste your time", says the second bat. So the first bat flies anyway. After a few minutes he is back with blood smeared all over his face.
"Where did you manage to find blood this time of the day?", asks the second bat. "Well, do you see that tree out there?", says the first bat and points at a tree outside the cave, "Do you see that tree?"
"Yes", says the second bat, "of course I see it".
"Well, I didn't", replies the first.
_______________
Vishous, show me how you want it

Now fuck off and let me bask in the glory of being me.


www.shelfari.com/ilovevampires
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ELDER
Registered: Jan 2011
Posts: 445
Location: New England
missunderstood1228 wrote
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

Lol. :P
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is ..."
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Visit a whole new world @ http://www.rlmathewson.com
ELITE ELDER
Registered: Jun 2008
Posts: 2156
Location: Lost in a faerie forest
What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?


Beat it - we're closed
_______________
Exasperated dragon on the field of battle:
"Mother said there would be knights like this."







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ELDER
Registered: Feb 2011
Posts: 353
Location: Lost in the paranormal world!!!
Lmao... I'm going to make that my door sign! Good one. .
ELITE ELDER Queen's Lead Reviewer
Registered: Dec 2010
Posts: 2301
Location: In the dungeon-handing out discipline!
Lightheaded wrote
What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?


Beat it - we're closed


Haha love it!
_______________
When I want you to beg, IŽll tell youŽ -Vishous

Twitter @drktwistedbliss
goodreads.com/darktwistedbliss
Facebook /darktwistedbliss

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ELITE ELDER Queen's Lead Reviewer
Registered: Dec 2010
Posts: 2301
Location: In the dungeon-handing out discipline!
A very rich old man is on his deathbed and is going to die soon, so he calls in his three sons. He gives them each a duck and tells them that the one who gets the most for his duck will be given everything the old man owns. The first son goes out, and when he comes back he says, "Father! Father! I got $10 for my duck!"

His father says, "That is very good let's see how your other brothers do."

About a day later the second brother comes home and he says, "Father! Father! I got $15 for my duck."

The old man replies, "So far you have done the best, but let's wait and see what your little brother does."

While the last brother was looking for someone to buy his duck, he happened to pass by a bar. When he got into the bar he saw the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen before, so he told her, "I'll give you this duck for a fuck."

She replied, "Ok."

When the boy got home to his father, his father was so furious that he yelled, "You get your ass back in that bar and get that duck back!"

So the boy returned to the bar and found the same girl and told her his tale. He then said, "I'll give you a fuck for that duck." She agreed and while they were fucking the duck flew out the window and got hit by a truck.

The truck driver was so sorry about what had happened that he offered to pay for the duck. The boy then replied, "$20 would do nicely."

"No problem," said the driver. When the boy got home he was beaming with pride. He shouted, "I won! I won! I got a fuck for a duck a duck for a fuck and twenty bucks for a fucked up duck."
_______________
When I want you to beg, IŽll tell youŽ -Vishous

Twitter @drktwistedbliss
goodreads.com/darktwistedbliss
Facebook /darktwistedbliss

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ELITE ELDER WIELDER OF WICKEDNESS
Registered: May 2008
Posts: 2611
Location: making some sammiches
Lady’s Yearly Exam

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
The Nurse started with the certain basics.
“How much do you weigh?” she asked.
“135,” I said.
The nurse put me on the scale.
It turns out my weight is 180.
The Nurse asked, “Your height?”
“5 foot 4,” I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5’2”
She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.
“Of course it’s high!” I screamed, “When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I’m short and fat!”
She put me on Prozac.
What a bitch.
_______________
Vishous, show me how you want it

Now fuck off and let me bask in the glory of being me.


www.shelfari.com/ilovevampires
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« Last edit by Queen's Phantom Valkyrie on Fri May 27, 2011 12:03 pm. »
ELITE ELDER Queen's Lead Reviewer
Registered: Dec 2010
Posts: 2301
Location: In the dungeon-handing out discipline!
Good one ILEC! :lol:
_______________
When I want you to beg, IŽll tell youŽ -Vishous

Twitter @drktwistedbliss
goodreads.com/darktwistedbliss
Facebook /darktwistedbliss

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ELITE ELDER Queen's Lead Reviewer
Registered: Dec 2010
Posts: 2301
Location: In the dungeon-handing out discipline!
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"F*ck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins" :twisted:
_______________
When I want you to beg, IŽll tell youŽ -Vishous

Twitter @drktwistedbliss
goodreads.com/darktwistedbliss
Facebook /darktwistedbliss

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ELITE ELDER
Registered: Jun 2008
Posts: 2156
Location: Lost in a faerie forest
Efficiency

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired a consulting firm to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
_______________
Exasperated dragon on the field of battle:
"Mother said there would be knights like this."







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ELDER
Registered: Oct 2009
Posts: 768
Ha ya'll made my day.
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Just finished Lords :twisted:

Currently Reading:
Immortals AFter Dark!! :twisted:

Next Up:No Clue yet!!

Love the brothers!!!

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ELITE ELDER Queen's Lead Reviewer
Registered: Dec 2010
Posts: 2301
Location: In the dungeon-handing out discipline!
LH - That was a great one! :mrgreen:
_______________
When I want you to beg, IŽll tell youŽ -Vishous

Twitter @drktwistedbliss
goodreads.com/darktwistedbliss
Facebook /darktwistedbliss

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ELITE ELDER Queen's Lead Reviewer
Registered: Dec 2010
Posts: 2301
Location: In the dungeon-handing out discipline!
A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!" :twisted:
_______________
When I want you to beg, IŽll tell youŽ -Vishous

Twitter @drktwistedbliss
goodreads.com/darktwistedbliss
Facebook /darktwistedbliss

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ELITE ELDER
Registered: Jun 2008
Posts: 2156
Location: Lost in a faerie forest
How To Install A cheap Home Security System:

Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's work boots size 14-16 (used)
Place them in the front porch, along with a copy of Gun And Ammo Magazine.
Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine
Leave a note on your door that reads

Hey Bubba,

Big Jim, Duke, Slim, and I gone for more ammunition.

Will be back in one hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls-- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all of the dog's in the house. Better Just wait outside until we can get back.

Cooter
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Exasperated dragon on the field of battle:
"Mother said there would be knights like this."







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« Last edit by Lightheaded on Wed Sep 28, 2011 2:44 pm. »

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Vampire Romance Books Forum » Fun & Games » JOKES II